by Dawn LeAnn
In Chapter two I shared with you about that first experience being homeless and now I am going to share with you about what led to the second time.
During the next seven months even though I was no longer homeless and no longer unemployed or anything, everything else in my life was the same. The man I was with was still very abusive. I tried to commit suicide twice and the police had been called to our apartment on several occasions for domestic issues. I remember this one time them giving me a card with information for a womens shelter. I had become accustomed to lying and covering up what was really going on. Apparently, they can see right through that.
We would use drugs once in a while but only for a day or two I tried so hard to not let the drugs get out of control again. But drug users are never the ones that are in control. We eventually ended up having another full-blown relapse. Unfortunately, I had not learned the lesson one might think I would've learned.
So, then my daughter was visiting, it was her birthday and I got so drunk I ended up blacking out. I don't remember walking down to the corner store but I did and next thing I knew I was standing there talking to some people I had never even met before and I was getting drugs. Shortly after getting back to the apartment my children's father had shown up to pick them up. And when they left, I just had this feeling I had just screwed up so bad that it may be a really long time before I'm ever able to repair that. The little bit of respect that I was starting to get back had just gone out the window.
Over the next two weeks we ran and we ran hard we were just using and acting a fool. Then out of nowhere I had this moment of clarity you know we were going to end up homeless again if I didn't do something. We were already behind on the rent and everything so, I went to go talk to the landlord and she told me that she was actually planning to give us an eviction notice the next day. When I heard that I instantly thought to myself, screw it. Really this was just the pain inside of me talking but that's what I did I said screw it.
We didn't really have anything worth selling so during the next couple of weeks I did something I had never intentionally done and I wrote a bunch of bad checks I purchased different things I would trade for drugs. In the end I ended up selling a TV and a stereo for just enough money to get a small storage unit again. Since we didn't have a vehicle, we had to get a storage place that was close to the apartment. There was a Kmart so we got a shopping cart and transported what little bit of stuff that we had over there. When we were done, we kept the shopping cart because that's what homeless people do right? In the shopping cart we put in our sleeping bags, our back packs, and some canned foods, and proceeded on our way, homeless yet again.
As we walked away from that storage unit, I felt broken. How could I allow this to happen again? Would I see my children again? And what about the cat? We had left the cat in the apartment with two huge bowls filled with food and water. She had always been an indoor cat so I couldn’t just put her outside without a chance and I figured that the manager at some point would be coming to clean the apartment and maybe she would take her in her find her a home. But the not knowing what would be her fate really bothered me, and once in a while I feel the pain of uncertainty when I think about it.
This time around there were no drugs. From the time we had walked away from that storage unit. I had absolutely no desire to use. I knew deep down inside had we not made the choice to use previously, we wouldn't be where we were now. From the very first day I was a blessed, and yes I say blessed, with feeling every ounce of pain. I would not be pardoned nor did I deserve it. I had no choice but to face the reality of my choices.